Here's how the story went. I met "x" at a reenactment last summer while I was dating my then boyfriend (G). Things turned sour with "G" and of course I looked elsewhere for comfort. So i went back and starting talking to X again and we became very close. Eventually we decided to get together, (which was pretty rough considering he lived almost two hours away) and that day we pretty much decided to be official.
Fast forward a couple of months of long distance love and a few rough patches later, I ended it through a text message because he had spent every conversation up to that point hinting that we were done, due to distance and school and such.
Let me tell you something about this particular relationship though: It was special. I've never felt this certain way with anyone else, and it's made me very uncertain about future partners. I'm not sure if I will ever feel that way again, and if i don't, I don't want to live on this planet.
Obviously I was very upset when it ended, so fast forward a few months, he has a new girlfriend. And he's so happy with her...She's close with all his friends, they're together in all his pictures (I wasn't allowed to post pictures of us together, because it could be to "risky" if his mom saw them.) Apparently his mother has met her and I don't really care what else. Anyway, I would catch myself more often than not scrolling through his facebook page, beating myself up because I wasn't enough, even though I honestly would have done anything to keep him if you want the truth.
After a few months of that I deleted him from my Facespace, and told him I never wanted to speak to him again. We had been talking pretty frequently and all of our conversations ended with me running off depressed because i was trying to tell him how much it hurt to love someone who used to love me and he was trying to tell me, "what the hell do you want me to do?" So I cut him out of my life. Possibly forever. I will never know again what it's like to see him smile at me, or look at me with that twinkle in his eye. Maybe it's for the best.
I think of him all the time though, and I feel so angry because I was replaced. And he loves his replacement much more than i could have ever hoped for...Honestly if he ever tried to talk to me i'd be torn about whether i'd grovel at his feet and beg him to take me back or shove the bridge of his nose back into his brain with a quick thrust of the heel of my hand. That scares me, i'm stronger than most and i shouldn't let a male get me down this far. Considering i come from a staunch feminist background the idea of me groveling at any man's feet makes me hunch over in shame, as though thinking something along those lines is worthy of being hit.
I miss him though.
Every day.
Time will heal my wounds and one day i will look back and laugh at myself...
Right?
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